How to communicate with your team when you disagree with them.
“I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion” – Mia Hamm (retired US professional soccer player).
Mia’s words from this quote highlight her personality traits of confidence and prudence along with her commitment towards her team. It also offers insights into the role a binding purpose can play in nurturing a team member’s ambition to garner more commitment towards the team than just compliance. The individual, as well as the team’s culture, play an important if not an equal role in building that commitment towards excelling as a team. In part one of this two-part article, we start by exploring the Individual’s contribution.
Her quote mentions, “I defer to it(her team)…”, can you think of a time when you deferred to a team of yours? i.e., when you presented a PoV(point of view) different than that of the team. How was that experience? let us focus on your thought process first, were you comfortable sharing a different view? Was it an assertive deferment or a passive non-compliance, and more importantly, what prompted you to choose that way of sharing or not sharing your PoV?
I ask because, in my experience of coaching leaders on assertiveness, a common thread to them choosing an aggressive or passive approach of communication is their belief and experience regarding the in-effectiveness of being assertive while sharing different PoV than their team.
What attributes to this belief? like most beliefs, it stems more from a worry or an existing bias than conclusive data-backed evidence. The worry can sound like this:
- What if they dislike me?
- What if my point of view is not good enough?
- What if they get angry at me?
- What if I am seen as a troublemaker?
- What if I am not included in future decisions?
- What if they reject my idea? What will they think of me then?
At times, the worry comes laced with a bias against the team or individuals in a team, based on specific past experiences. These biases, when generalized for the entire team, sound like:
- They don’t care about my opinion; they will do what they want to do
- This asking for an opinion is just a mockery/ fascade. The decisions have been made already
- Even if my idea is good, this team will only favor that other person’s idea
- Our ideologies are different, and they don’t get what I am trying to say anyway
- They only listen if I exert power
- I should have been consulted before. Now, it is too late!
Can you relate to saying or feeling one of these before in a team setting? I have gone through these worries often in my corporate career. I was afraid of the consequence of sharing my PoV because I was latching on to a past negative experience and in-process letting that experience block my future possibilities. Now with self-awareness and deliberate practice, I overcome these blockers to move forward. Sharing with you one exercise which helps me and has helped my clients make progress as well. If this experience resonates with you, take out some reflection time to try this:
- Think of the worry which is stopping you from sharing your PoV Assertively( not with aggression or with indirect passiveness).
- What is it? Is it fear, or Is it anger/ distrust stepping from a bias? (if you think it’s both, which is the more prominent cause for your emotion)
- Now, think of what will do in that situation if you were not afraid/ angry. To start with :
- What will you tell yourself ?
- When & how will you like to share your PoV with your team?
- How will that make you feel about yourself and your role in the team?
What surfaced for you now when you went through the motion of answering the above questions on what you would say, do & feel? Do reflect on your predominant thought when you wrote those answers. That’s an insight into what’s holding you back now. Once you know the cause that is reinforcing your worry or anger, you can make an action plan to overcome it. (if you want to 😊)
If you are part of a team, you are associated with other team members by having a common goal or some other form of inter-dependence. Hence, your PoV and efforts can enable you and your team to achieve your shared goals or target. You can share your PoV without being hostile to your team or being apathetic to the result. Here are some mindset reframes to start with:
Curious to know more? Connect with us at Thoughtsfile to create a customized plan for your specific developmental need and aspiration. In our next post, we talk about the role of a team and its leader in reinforcing that feeling of “We” over “I”.